A Sense of Spirit · blessings · challenges · friends · new beginnings

A Different Light.

In my herb garden, the dainty Dill flowers are looking simply beautiful.
In my herb garden, the dainty Dill flowers are looking simply beautiful.

I have something in common with my Dill plant. Hindsight is pointing out to me that I have been a bit of a “dill” recently.

Today, I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, and all it took to remove that weight was a morning spent in the hospital.

I have had a health issue for a few months now and my doctor sent me for a pelvic ultra sound. The results came back, which he somberly told me “showed some abnormalities”. What I didn’t tell my doctor, for fear of an over-reaction on his part, which would have sent me into a blinding spin of fear, was that my grandmother had died of a disease which I had the symptoms of.

Was this disease hereditary? I didn’t know. But you hear so many stories in the news of families who are pre-disposed to a certain illness. Was this one of them? I also knew that my symptoms may be nothing too serious at all. But in my state of panic, I managed to pre-empt the worst case scenario.

A visit to my one time obstetrician, these days gynecologist, abated my fears. No, although there may be a slight and very distant link to my symptoms as a hereditary disease, I was not a high risk case, having not one single “yes” to any known risk factor. I felt reassured.

So yesterday morning at 6 am, off I went to the hospital, to undergo a procedure which would fix my problem, amid a massive dose of nerves, fear, terror, dry mouth, racing heart, you name the “worry” symptom, I had it. By 1 pm, I was back at home again, slightly groggy, still very dry of mouth and starving hungry.

This morning I had a phone call from my gynecologists nurse, enquiring how I was feeling after my night at home. I assured her that I am feeling great, which I am, then I managed to muster up the courage to ask her if she knew how my procedure had gone. Her words were music to my ears, “Doctor has noted that everything went through without any problems and he has no concerns”.

Yes!!!!

See now why I think I may have been a bit of a dill? I’m such a healthy person, I rarely even come down with a cold these days, yet when something health-wise does go amiss I tend to always imagine the worst thing possible is wrong with me. I also hibernate.

Two weeks can change everything, I have discovered. In my last post, I had to get something out in the open. I realised that holding “bad stuff” inside of me was eating away at me, affecting my health and my state of mind. I hate to burden people with my worries and fears, or any adverse emotion for that matter, yet I had reached the stage where I couldn’t carry the burden alone any longer. I had to open up, and the response I got from you all was amazing! All of your comments brought tears to my eyes, I felt the caring in your words, and oh my, you have no idea how wonderful it made me feel! Thank you, one and all, for caring. I hadn’t really expected anyone to comment at all, as it was such a down-toned post, I just needed to get my worries out into The Universe . You were all so fantastic in your support; thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sharing my worries with you all also gave me the courage to speak with my family about my wish to live elsewhere, especially with my husband. I told him that I have to be what he would no doubt regard as me being selfish, as I am causing myself to have health issues through my dissatisfaction with my life. I only have myself to blame. My restlessness ended up manifesting itself within my body, forming into something which only a hospital procedure could rectify.

I believe that we are all responsible for our own thoughts, our own health, our own actions. We cannot hold another person responsible for our problems. When we are faced with an issue which we regard as something adverse, we have choices in how we cope with the problem. I know these things in my own mind and believe them with all my heart. It’s just that being a human being can get in the way sometimes, we can veer off track and mess things up. Yet we know we can do better.

That is how I’ve felt lately. Trying to cope with issues alone, trying not to burden my family, trying to carry my problem around by myself and work things out all by myself, so as not to worry my family with anything. I’ve been messing up, monumentally, in a very human way.

I should never have feared, my family were there for me, I felt their love and support. As one of my daughters has told me recently, as a child, she was the dependant one, coming to me with her problems. Now she is an adult, the tables can turn sometimes, I can go to her with my problems, and she can help me, she’s an adult now. Isn’t that sweet?

We are coming up with ideas, left, right and centre, about how we can have the best of both worlds, by keeping our home here, which I absolutely love, and my children never want to see leave our family, and having another home, where I can spend some of the year, in the place of my heart, the Blue Mountains. With compromise, planning and time, we are aiming to have it all.

I read a passage this morning, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, which really spoke to me. It is so easy to become buried amid the humdrum of day to day life and lose focus of the big picture. It’s a matter of learning to focus on both aspects of one’s life. I’d like to share his words with you here ~

“One of the huge imbalances in life is the disparity between your daily existence, with its routines and habits, and the dream you have within yourself of some extraordinarily satisfying way of living. Buried within you is an unlimited capacity for creation that’s anxious to plant seedlings to fulfill your dreams and your destiny. The absence of balance between dreams and daily routine can reveal itself in symptoms of depression, illness, or anxiety—but it’s more often something that feels like an unwelcome companion by your side, which continually whispers to you that you’re ignoring something. You sense that there’s a higher agenda; your way of life and your reason for life are out of balance. Until you pay attention, this subtle visitor will continue to prod you to regain your equilibrium.
When you live your life going through the motions, it may seem to be convenient, but the weight of your dissatisfaction creates a huge imbalance in the only life you have now. It shows up when you’re sound asleep and your dreams are filled with reminders of what you’d love to be, but you wake and return to pursuing your safe routine. Allow yourself to think about this “fire from heaven.” What are your dreams and how can you shift your thinking habits to match your dreams? Commit to thinking about what you want, rather than how impossible or difficult that dream may seem. Give your personal dreams a place to hang out so that you can see them in your imagination and they can soak up the energy they deserve. Thoughts are mental energy; they’re the currency that you have to attract what you desire. Learn to stop spending that currency on thoughts you don’t want. Your body might continue, for a while, to stay where it’s been trained to be, but meanwhile, your thoughts are being aligned with your dreams. Align your inner creative energy—your thoughts—so that they match up perfectly with your desires. Dream and you shall become.” ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.

I am dreaming, and this time I am sharing my dreams. Without anyone else losing their dreams, I can have mine. Oh how I do love compromise!

Next time I write I will be back to my usual self, with photos, happiness, joy and well being. Thank you for being my blogging friends. And please, if any of you have a dream, go for it!

“Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. Time will pass anyway.” ~ Earl Nightingale.

A Sense of Spirit · freedom · friends · gratitude · new beginnings

Lessons to Learn.

Winter wattle in bloom at Leura, on the Blue Mountains, July 3rd.
Winter wattle in bloom at Leura, on the Blue Mountains, July 3rd.

“Sometimes change in our lives is slow and steady, sometimes it happens really fast. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so good. Having to adjust to new circumstances, people, or places is never easy and we have to be kind to ourselves and trust that, with time, we will settle in – if we’re in the place we’re meant to be…

I just felt these words were meant for someone – no idea who! But whoever it is, hope it helps…” Sue.

When I read the comment above this morning, written by Sue, a Blipfoto friend, her words spoke volumes to me. I really enjoy adding a photo each day to the blip website, well, most days. I’ve been lacking in motivation of late, for blip, blogging, gardening, everything that I usually love really. My mine has been all a-muddle.

I’ve heard it said so many times before that “life is a journey”; it has become a cliché really. My life’s journey began to steer itself into a different direction, with me controlling the steering of course, about six years ago. That’s when I began to write again, which led me to blogging. That’s how long I’ve been searching for “me”, for the last six years. Many of the posts I have added to my various blogs have started out with me trying to work something out in my mind, to get some clarity on what is happening at that time, to try to learn something new. By the time I have finished writing and have re-read what I have written, I also realise that what I have just said may actually strike a chord with another person too, and that maybe, just maybe, my battle through my confusion might actually help someone else’s muddled brain also. It would be a massive bonus if that did happen.

Once upon a time I wrote a monthly post on another website and my section was called “Freedom Space”.  Whilst I enjoyed the website and the community feel of it, I also felt like a fraud and lost the will to write about freedom, when freedom was exactly the thing I was in search of myself. How could I pose as an authority on gaining freedom, when I hadn’t a clue how to get it for myself?

It’s my own doing though, this lack of freedom that I feel. If I had been a more dominant person, if I practised standing up to people who tell me what to do more often than I have done, if I didn’t dislike confrontation so much…..if, if, if….. But I can’t change the past. I shouldn’t have to spend my entire life moulding myself into the person that I’m “expected” to be either, none of us should.

My mother dominated, I rebelled, I felt bad, I apologised, we’d argue, I felt bad again, I apologised again, she’d tell me that she knew what was best for me, she knew what I should have in life. Being such an authoritative figure in my life, I moulded myself to suit her ways, yet it never did quite gel for me, when I realised that I wasn’t my mother, I was me, a whole different person to her.

When I finally left home, (against my mother’s better judgement of course), it was with another dominant person, this time a male. My beliefs being as they are, I would often tell him that he must have been my father in a previous lifetime, as he sure did seem to enjoy telling me what to do. It was like I had jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. He dominated, I rebelled, I felt bad, I apologised, we’d argue, I felt bad again, I apologised again, he’d tell me that he knew what was best for me, he knew what I should have in life – him. Yet he constantly hurt me. I would feel crushed to the core. When he realised that he had gone too far he would comfort me, try to make amends, say the words I wanted to hear. I’d believe him. He’d say things would change. They never did. And so it would all happen again, the arguments, the hurt, the comforting…….

So many times during my adult life I have found myself telling him, “I’m not a female version of you”. Isn’t that silly? Why would anyone want a person to be that much like themselves? Yet it (still) seems to me that that is exactly what he wants from me.

I went away recently for eleven days, eleven glorious days, just my youngest son (he was on school holidays) and me. We drove about one thousand kilometres south of our home, down to Penrith and the Blue Mountains, west of Sydney, the area where I grew up, the area I still call “home”. My parents took me away from this area when I was thirteen. I didn’t want to leave. I moved back there when I left home, still a teenager. Twenty-one years ago I moved north again, feeling I had to as my mother was seriously ill. When she was gone, I wanted to go back, he didn’t want to, so we stayed up north, while my heart longed to be down south.

Now that I’m home though, back up north, the muddled mind has set in. Driving north again, as the coolness of the winter air we had enjoyed left us, and the heat of the north set in, I resented the sun and I resented the heat. This is winter, it should be cold now!

I just didn’t want to come back here, but I had to. My son is still at school, he needs his mother still, he hasn’t reached that almost-an-adult stage of his life yet, when he will have his independence and can make choices for his own life.

Please, oh please, my boy, make your own choices! Choose your own life! Don’t spend half a lifetime trying to make another person happy whilst compromising your own happiness; ultimately you will grow to resent them! Don’t make my mistakes! Learn from me, my beautiful son, learn! Feel the freedom! Enjoy your choices!

It has occurred to me recently, no, I’m down-playing this, it actually dropped on me like a bolt of lightning from the sky recently that we are all put on this earth with lessons we must learn. If the lessons are not learned, the problem will carry with you into the next lifetime, again with the same people. You will be given the same lessons, again and again, until you finally get it right. My lesson is that I must learn to walk away from the control-freaks, those who want to run my life. No matter how hard it is for me, I have to learn to walk away, to not fall into the same trap, time and time again, of being dominated, of being told by another that they know better than I do what is best for me.

So, as my blip friend Sue pointed out this morning, the changes may be slow, it may be scary adjusting to new people and new places, but I have to follow my heart over the next eighteen months and find the place where I am meant to be.

Right now, my heart is so torn. As much as I love being at my beloved Blue Mountains, my children would all be one thousand kilometres away. I don’t know how I would deal with not seeing them all regularly. We all have to live our own lives, but it is very comforting, knowing my dearest souls are not too far away.

I have so many photos which I want to share with you all! Yet since I have been home, when I look at the photos, my heart aches for the place I want to be. Is it the place I am meant to be? Time will tell. And I will give myself a talking to and add my holiday photos here for you all to see. How odd that sounds, “holiday photos”, yet they are the photos of the place that I regard as my home. Here, where I live now, I am ten minutes drive away from a world-famous holiday destination, the Gold Coast.  It’s all rather back-to-front, really.

This is such a “down” post! Please, don’t let my words drag your spirits down. I’ve written this today to get it off my chest, to “come clean”. My posts are so erratic, I can go for weeks without writing anything, and I don’t ever want any of my blogging friends to think I don’t appreciate them; I appreciate each one of you. Reading your stories helps lift my day more than any of you could ever imagine. But some days I just don’t have the time to write, and if I go to the computer at night, I have been told that I’m spending too much time at the computer. So please, I hope you will bear with me. I’m still here, I appreciate your friendships. You all inspire me so much and for that, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 🙂