Category: daughter

advice · Changes · daughter

Saying Goodbye to “The Doormat Syndrome”

Joanne4 Comments

Over the last couple of weeks I have had some extremely interesting conversations with my eldest daughter.

That statement could sound misleading, as if we don’t usually have interesting conversations, but we do! Constantly!

The difference with recent conversations is how simple they have been, and spontaneous, and significant.

A regular topic of conversation between us, which began around the middle of last year, has been “change”.

Changes we both wish to make in our lives, with each of us having different purposes for the desired changes, and discussing what actions we would take to bring these changes about.

Some of the changes we have made have been joint ventures, most have been independent of each other.

And I have learned something  ~ Old habits are hard to break.

With being, um, significantly older than my daughter (naturally!) I have become a bit, shall we say, set in my ways?

My daughter may use other more descriptive words, e.g. boring, predictable, even stupid!

Yes, stupid. It may sound harsh, but true. Thank goodness I have my daughter to point out my shortcomings to me!

I’m a creature of habit in many ways. There are regular tasks I carry out and many responses I make to situations, which I’ll admit to making on “auto-pilot”. I am so stuck in my ways and have acted and responded to things in such a habitual way, over so many years, that I don’t even realise I am doing it!

It’s the little things I’ve been stuck in a rut over.

  • Changing my own plans to fit in with other people.
  • Eating food that I would prefer not to, because that’s what everyone else wants to eat.
  • Doing all of the household chores myself, because no one else has the time.

Why does this happen?

I make myself available, I’m predictable. People know they can rely on me.

Why do I allow this to happen?

I like to see the people I care about being happy. And it also prevents arguments and confrontations.

Are there any winners here?

Everyone, except me.

Oh sure, there are many times when I willingly do things for others. My problem has been that I’ve taken helping others to the extreme, I say “yes” to everything, without giving it a second thought.

It becomes a problem when you are taken for granted. I believe a common term for what I am talking about is, “being treated as if you were a doormat”.

When the realisation of the err of your ways strikes, and you start to change your standard response from always being “yes” to sometimes being “no” it can be a shock to those close to you.

Is it possible to change this situation?

The good news is that when those close to you realise that you really mean it when you say “no” to their trivial and selfish requests, they learn to accept the changes.

A new kind of respect takes over and your own self-worth improves.

The doormat syndrome is transformed into a win-win situation; you are respected more by others, plus you feel a strong dose of self-respect developing within yourself.

Here I was, patting myself on the back for the constant focus I had been putting upon the changes I wished to make. Like all new habits, they do require attention until they become second nature.

I was seeing results. The changes I wished to see were actually occurring.

It wasn’t until my daughter pointed out some of the minor “old habits” I had been unknowingly clinging hold of, that reality took hold.

Anyone can change.

If it is possible for me to enforce the changes I want to see in my life, then anyone can do it. I can highly recommend having someone who you trust keeping a watch out for those old stick-in-the-mud ways which are so hard to break. Someone who can say to you, “that’s the old you, you can say no”, just as my daughter has been doing for me.

(Photo from Google Images)

daughter · recipe

A Day of Stationary, Parrots, Eggs and Movies

Joanne3 Comments

Yesterday was a long day.

Worked ‘til four, drove up the coast with my eldest daughter to buy stationary, called in at the supermarket for a few bits and pieces on the way home, made dinner with youngest daughter, watched a movie, checked the time to find it was 11.30 pm and I hadn’t written my blog post for postaday2011, attended to the post, had a shower and fell asleep as my head hit the pillow!

What is it about stationary shopping that makes it so much fun? I would rather shop for pens and notebooks any day, in preference to clothes or shoes!

Does that classify me as odd? Hmm…If it does, then my daughters are odd along with me! Neither of them would pass up an opportunity to browse through a stationary shop. I suspect they actually enjoy clothes and shoe shopping, so perhaps they are more normal than their mum!

Right next door to the stationary shop is a pet store. We popped in for a quick look around, leaving perhaps an hour later! Well, we did get chatting to a very friendly shop assistant, as you do, which eventually became a full-on conversation regarding the taming of parrots!

At home, my younger daughter and I tried out a new recipe that we liked the look of, burritos with spicy pork and pineapple with avocado sauce. Yum! We’ll remember to make that recipe again. Delicious!

We found the recipe in a cookbook that my older daughter recently discovered, chock full of healthy, weight conscious recipes. There’s a vegetarian section, along with healthy versions of meat recipes. They even suggest that eggs are a healthy choice in meal!

That just goes to show you how the wheel turns. When I was a child, eggs were regarded as healthy food, containing all known vitamins to man, except vitamin C. Those were the days when a healthy breakfast consisted of toast, egg and a glass of orange juice. The juice supplied the vitamin C that the egg was lacking!

Next thing, eggs were a no-no; too much cholesterol and said to add weight, not a healthy option for the health or weight conscious person.

Many years have passed and now the wheel has turned full circle. Eggs are back in vogue!

By 8.30 pm I had myself comfortably curled up in my favourite lounge chair, eagerly awaiting the beginning of one of my all time favourite movies…”To Kill a Mockingbird” on Fox Classics.

My family regards the movie as boring. I could watch it over and over again! It would have to be one of the most simply plotted stories, with the beginning of the movie set in 1932, and following through the events in the lives over the next couple of years of the Finch family; father Atticus, his son Jem and daughter, Scout.

Their mysterious neighbour, Boo Radley, features throughout, although we do not meet him until the very end of the movie.

My heart goes out to the genteelly mannered Tom Robinson, the victim of racial prejudice and wrongly accused of a crime he did not commit.

Before seeing the movie for the first time I had read the book, “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee, who based her novel upon events she had witnessed in her own home town, which took place in 1936.

The novel was published in 1960 and became an instant success, winning the prestigious Pulitzer Prize.

Immediately following “To Kill a Mockingbird”, Fox Classics decided to tempt me to remain in my chair even longer, with “The Way We Were”.

I first saw “The Way We Were” at the cinemas in Coolangatta, Queensland, many, many, moons ago! It was after seeing the movie for the first time that I became a fan of both Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand.

How could I resist taking just a quick peek at the movie? Just watch some of the beginning, not for too long, just to remind me of how much I love, love, love that movie!

It did not disappoint. The magic is still there. Mind you, I could watch it any time I wish. I have the DVD!!!

What can I say? I’m a sucker for a love story. 🙂

daughter

A Reminder of a Priceless Treasure

Joanne2 Comments

Further to last night and my post “A Time for Silence”…..

After completing my post, I wandered off to have a browse at what was on the television. I felt rather “brainless” and needed something to amuse me, without having to concentrate, before I turned in for the night.

At first flick through the TV channels I found nothing entertaining at all. Surely there must be something worth watching on the fifty-million channels available?

Fox Classics was the big winner. How did I mange to miss this, during the first flick through?

I had missed the beginning of “The Sound of Music”, but that’s okay. Hadn’t I seen this movie enough times during my life to know where I was up to in the story line?

With my body constantly breaking out in goose-bumps, I sailed along on my cloud of reminiscing, recalling most of my favourite songs from the movie; “Edelweiss”, “Climb Ev’ry Mountain”, “The Lonely Goatherd”, “My Favourite Things”, “So Long, Farewell” and of course, the movies signature song, “The Sound of Music”.

As the wedding scene began, I instantly recalled that Maria walks down the aisle of the abbey, to marry her beloved Gaylord, (played by the dashing Christopher Plumber), to the song, “Maria”. I remembered the post I wrote here last year, in July, noting that my own daughter, Emma, reminded me so much of Maria in “The Sound of Music” (played by Julie Andrews).

At the time, I gave the post the title of “Miss Seventeen”. Emma is now eighteen, is definitely still my “Maria” and still makes my heart dance and sing, every day!

If you would like to read the post, you can do so here….

As I re-read the words I had written about my daughter less than twelve months ago, it became evident to me that she has matured. Oh, for sure, she is still my “Wild Child”, but my girl is learning new lessons of life, every day.

It seems like only yesterday, when she was just fifteen years old and I worried myself to a frazzle over her. Wanting to protect her, I tried to hold her down, just a teeny-weeny bit.

She announced to me one day, with the most solemn look on her face, that she knew I was only trying to protect her, but she wanted to make her own mistakes.

How could I argue with her? They were the very same words I had spoken to my own mother, as a teenager!

Emma reminded me that it is impossible to live someone else’s life for them. You can only ever live your own life.

So here we are, three years down the track from that most memorable of conversations. There are still times when I worry myself to a frazzle over my beautiful girl, but what else can I do? I’m her mother!!!

Emma is living her own life and learning from her own mistakes. She has grown in maturity since July last year and she is happy; oh, she is very happy!

Some things remain the same, though. Her bedroom is consistently messy, there are times when she is far too outspoken for words and as I write this post, late at night, she is not at home.

My Moonbeam is still sparkling, still shining her light of individualism and still making choices full of wisdom far beyond her years.

And as for me, I just keep on loving my Moonbeam, just as I have every day of her life, and since her conception.

How appropriate that my need for silence and watching an old movie has reminded me of how much I treasure one of my life’s greatest gifts ~ My daughter, Emma. 🙂

daughter · friends · gratitude · inspiration

An Ideas Kind of Man

JoanneLeave a comment

action balls black and white illustration
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This morning I had a visitor. Two visitors, actually.

Time spent with my beautiful eldest daughter is always time well spent. She’s a ray of sunshine in my day, always has been, right from the very day she was born.

She brought with her today “The Man in Her Life”. This is the man who possesses magical powers, having swept my daughter completely off her feet over five years ago, and they have lived happily together ever since.

My daughter’s head has never been easily turned. But she knows what she wants. And she got what she wanted….and so did he!

My daughter’s man values his privacy, so for the sake of today’s exercise, I’ll call him, umm…Bill.

You know when Bill has entered the room, he’s like a whirlwind. And he disappears without ceremony. No long goodbyes for this man! By the time the dust has settled and the swirling leaves have fallen to the ground, he’s vanished.

The value of Bill is in the brief time he spends with you, in the room! The electric currents running through his brain simply bounce off the walls and, if your mind is receptive, it won’t be long before your own mind is buzzing, right along with his.

Bill has presence. He has charisma. And most importantly, he has good instincts.

Many a time I have asked his advice on matters that I have been too close to, to be able to handle objectively. Without so much as a bat of an eyelid, Bill utters a sentence, leaving you with a whole new perspective on the matter at hand.

If I could find a way to bottle his natural ability to find solutions to every matter mentioned to him, we’d be rich, and the world would be a better place to live in.

He’s rarely moody. Nor does he take anything too seriously. Yet he is one of the most compassionate people I know.

Our conversation this morning has left me, yet again, with a million ideas running through my brain. Don’t ask me how the conversation started. I never know what it is that prompts any conversation with Bill. They just happen.

Bill says one thing; I reply, my daughter interjects; before long we seem to all be talking together, hearing every words spoken by each of us!

Momentum kicks in; one idea leads to the next. He leaves you with plenty to contemplate!

I do believe that everyone needs a “Bill” in their life; make that several “Bills”!

He’s an ideas person. What he says makes a whole lotta sense. He gets you thinking.

It occurred to me today that there are many internet based “Bills”; people with ideas, who offer inspiration, who start the ball rolling on any subject matter you care to choose from.

Pick an idea out of a hat. Look it up on the internet. There’ll be someone there talking about your idea, offering suggestions, helping you gain momentum to keep that ball rolling along.

If they’re a blogger, you can begin to interact. They give you ideas. Hopefully, you reciprocate.

You don’t steel their ideas; all it may take is a simple sentence, which leads you to an idea, which progresses to another thought, then another.

Unknowingly, your friend on the other side of the world has brought new meaning to your day.

The same applies to feelings. With so many uplifting websites around, there are some days when I simply do not have enough time to get to them all!

I value my online friends, the “Bills” who inspire my days so often without even realising they have done so.

And I am grateful for my in the flesh Bill, the one who makes my daughters world a wonderful place, who she happily shares with her family. 🙂

advice · daughter · friends

Friendships ~ Knowing When to Stay and When to Go

Joanne1 Comment

The world is made up of all kinds of people; different races, cultures, males and females, but we are all born the same….aren’t we?

Perhaps not.

Take the subject of friendships, for example.

What is the definition of a good friend?

Caring, trustworthy, truthful,  loyal….

Take loyalty, for example.

How should we define loyalty?

Can a friend not display enough loyalty?

Can there ever be too much loyalty in a friendship?

Personally, I was born loyal. I do not believe anyone ever sat me down and told me, “Jo, you must be loyal to prove you are a good friend”.

Over the years I have become aware that there are those who could, in fact, benefit from an explanation of loyalty in a friendship….they have none.

So, what type of a friend is a disloyal friend?

Where do you draw the invisible line between the right amount of loyalty, and too much loyalty?

In other words ~ When is the right time to stand by your friends and when do you know when the time has come to move on?

Those who have known me well throughout my life regard me as loyal and I have been proud to wear that label. It has even been said that if Jack the Ripper were my best friend, I would stand by him!

With age comes wisdom, and you are never too old to learn a thing or two.

Even from those much younger than yourself.

Even from your own children.

I stand in total awe and admiration of one of my children. They are so young. They have so much to learn, and yet they have taught me that there comes a time when you have to say, “enough is enough” and turn your back on a friend.

Loyalty can be pushed to the limits and then it can break, because of a very important component in the game of friendship.

The Golden Rule ~ Loyalty must go both ways between friends. If the loyalty is heading only in one direction, it isn’t a true friendship.

In the past, especially as a young person, I have timidly backed away from a friend when I have noticed the signs that the friendship is coming to an end, waiting for some sign to show me that they were just having a bad day, had an argument with another friend…you fill in the “what if’s” here. What I’m saying is, I would accept any excuse they gave me. And believe it! (How gullible!!)

That sweet, sweet child of mine, the one who can teach me as many new things as I can teach her, has shown such loyalty to her friends throughout her life that she has given me massive amounts of pride in her behaviour, especially in this day and age, when teenage friendships can appear so superficial.

And if and when the time comes, she knows when to walk away.

She never looks back. Ever.

No amount of cajoling, apologies, sweet smiles or excuses will sway her opinion. She never looks back, not even for a quick peek, just to check if her now former friend is okay.

The loyalty must go both ways for her….

A very close friend may get a second chance. But two strikes and they’re gone!

Forever.

And therein, I believe, lies the answer to the question ~

How do you know when to stay and when to go?

Ask yourself the questions, “Am I being shown the same loyalty that I am bestowing upon my friend?….and….

Is my friend being truthful with me?

If the answer is “no” to these two question ~ walk away. Don’t look back.

(Clue – you can’t have one of the above questions with a yes answer and the other a no. That’s not possible!)

My child has taught me well. I have learned the lesson well.

So, Jack the Ripper, if you are reading this, you are no longer my friend! 😉