Tag: challenges

advice · Changes · daughter

Saying Goodbye to “The Doormat Syndrome”

Joanne4 Comments

Over the last couple of weeks I have had some extremely interesting conversations with my eldest daughter.

That statement could sound misleading, as if we don’t usually have interesting conversations, but we do! Constantly!

The difference with recent conversations is how simple they have been, and spontaneous, and significant.

A regular topic of conversation between us, which began around the middle of last year, has been “change”.

Changes we both wish to make in our lives, with each of us having different purposes for the desired changes, and discussing what actions we would take to bring these changes about.

Some of the changes we have made have been joint ventures, most have been independent of each other.

And I have learned something  ~ Old habits are hard to break.

With being, um, significantly older than my daughter (naturally!) I have become a bit, shall we say, set in my ways?

My daughter may use other more descriptive words, e.g. boring, predictable, even stupid!

Yes, stupid. It may sound harsh, but true. Thank goodness I have my daughter to point out my shortcomings to me!

I’m a creature of habit in many ways. There are regular tasks I carry out and many responses I make to situations, which I’ll admit to making on “auto-pilot”. I am so stuck in my ways and have acted and responded to things in such a habitual way, over so many years, that I don’t even realise I am doing it!

It’s the little things I’ve been stuck in a rut over.

  • Changing my own plans to fit in with other people.
  • Eating food that I would prefer not to, because that’s what everyone else wants to eat.
  • Doing all of the household chores myself, because no one else has the time.

Why does this happen?

I make myself available, I’m predictable. People know they can rely on me.

Why do I allow this to happen?

I like to see the people I care about being happy. And it also prevents arguments and confrontations.

Are there any winners here?

Everyone, except me.

Oh sure, there are many times when I willingly do things for others. My problem has been that I’ve taken helping others to the extreme, I say “yes” to everything, without giving it a second thought.

It becomes a problem when you are taken for granted. I believe a common term for what I am talking about is, “being treated as if you were a doormat”.

When the realisation of the err of your ways strikes, and you start to change your standard response from always being “yes” to sometimes being “no” it can be a shock to those close to you.

Is it possible to change this situation?

The good news is that when those close to you realise that you really mean it when you say “no” to their trivial and selfish requests, they learn to accept the changes.

A new kind of respect takes over and your own self-worth improves.

The doormat syndrome is transformed into a win-win situation; you are respected more by others, plus you feel a strong dose of self-respect developing within yourself.

Here I was, patting myself on the back for the constant focus I had been putting upon the changes I wished to make. Like all new habits, they do require attention until they become second nature.

I was seeing results. The changes I wished to see were actually occurring.

It wasn’t until my daughter pointed out some of the minor “old habits” I had been unknowingly clinging hold of, that reality took hold.

Anyone can change.

If it is possible for me to enforce the changes I want to see in my life, then anyone can do it. I can highly recommend having someone who you trust keeping a watch out for those old stick-in-the-mud ways which are so hard to break. Someone who can say to you, “that’s the old you, you can say no”, just as my daughter has been doing for me.

(Photo from Google Images)

Australia · floods · friends

The Courage of My Friend

Joanne7 Comments

“Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

As we bid farewell to the month of January I am reminded that the theme at NaBloPoMo all of this month has been “Friends”, therefore I believe it is only fitting that my final post for the month should include an amazing article, written by one of my online friends, Káren Wallace, at the Calm Space.

January this year was always destined to be a huge month in Káren’s life, with family birthday celebrations, Káren and her husband’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and the looming excitement of the family moving into their newly built home.

What they hadn’t planned on was the turmoil their lives would be thrown into, along with hundreds of other families, during the January floods in Queensland, Australia.

Once Káren’s electricity, telephone and internet connections were restored, she wasted no time at all in sharing her “adventure” with her readers.

I already knew Káren to be a true woman of substance, of integrity, strength, wisdom and grace. But it was in her article published late last week on “Courage” that Káren revealed another side to her personality.

Here we find the vulnerable and very real lady, who has endured, along with her family, the heartache and pain brought about by the harsh realities of the Australian climate.

In speaking of courage, Káren tells us that she is “daring to be real and vulnerable and show my real self to the world.”

And that, she does.

But perhaps Káren shows us a very large smattering of psychic intuition in writing this article also. You would think, for all the world, that she had written the article “The Courage to be Me, The Courage to be Real” after picking herself up and brushing herself off after the recent floods.

In actual fact, Káren wrote the article last October, during the month of the theme “courage” at the Calm Space. And for some reason, she didn’t publish it back then.

The timing wasn’t right. It was too early for these words to be revealed to the world. This article needed to be published now, in the aftermath of the floods.

I do hope you will read and enjoy “The Courage to be Me, The Courage to be Real” and join me in sending my friend Káren, along with all the other Queenslanders who suffered in some way during the January floods, calm thoughts of strength and love.

“May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!”

~ Irish Blessing

Photo credit.

basics · Changes · freedom · knowledge

Sense and Sensibility ~ Part 2

Joanne5 Comments

Life is the ultimate teacher.

You may or may not agree with my statement, that is your choice. We all choose our own truths, whatever is the right thing for each of us, as we carry on our existence, safely wrapped within the cocoon of our own realities.

My heart knows it to be true, my heart has chosen this particular truth for me, and my heart never leads me astray.

Sensibility reigns supreme within my life. Sensibility has my ultimate approval. And life has taught me the lessons with which I have reached my conclusion.

Over the last three years, during a crash course on reality, and life, and learning for myself the realities of my own life, I am often reminded of the time-proven adages, those little snippets of wisdom shared with us by the seniors of our society, words loosely thrown our way during times of need…

Gems such as ~

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

Actions speak louder than words.

The simple things in life are often the best.

A penny saved is a penny earned….And…

A leopard never changes its spots.

What is right for one man’s life can be totally wrong in another’s. We must seek, find and stay true to our own truths, our own heart. We must heed the silent words seeped to us through our souls.

No man holds the right to change another, we are who we are. If we attempt to change another person to suit our own selfish needs, transforming them into something that they are not, or should another endeavour to attempt this task on us, there is only one ultimate possible outcome ~ a bucket load of lies. Make that a truck load. We are who we are…End of Story.

Pretty words, whispered lyrically into the dainty pink ear of an eager receiver won’t mean squat if the appropriate actions do not coincide with these words. You may as well wrap the empty words back up into the pretty little box from whence they came, tie the flimsy bow back around the box and toss them away as far as you can, preferably with their shallow creator. Who wants to live a lie? Listen to your heart…it hears the spoken words of truths and sees the actions performed in the name of honesty.

Do you remember the last time you were overwhelmed by such happiness that you felt your heart swell and your soul sing? Over the last three years, much to my amazement, I have re-discovered that wonderful feeling of light-headed, giddy happiness in some of the most unlikely places…

  • In the fragrance of a flower.
  • The sound of a buzzing bee.
  • In the blueness of the sky on a perfectly clear day.
  • And the shape and colours of a storm cloud.
  • A perfectly formed rainbow after a sudden storm.
  • My cats rumbling purring sounds.
  • Listening to the crystal clear harmonies of the voice of a famous singer.

This short list hardly does justice to the moments of happiness I have experienced during the past three years, but they all have one thing in common ~ not one of these magical moments has cost me a cent. They are free. They are the simple pleasures of life. And they mean the most to me.

I don’t need diamonds. I have no use for a fancy car. I can only wear one outfit of clothes at a time. And I only have one pair of feet on which to wear one pair of shoes each day. A minimalistic life saves money for sure. But oh, how much deeper the pleasure reaches, as it frees your soul and lightens your heart, when the need of the burden of multiple possessions no longer exists!

We are never too old to learn. I believe that yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks! (And yes, my heart told me that as well.)

The ultimate gift for me has been learning to listen to my heart and following my instincts (again), going back to writing (again) and becoming who I really am (yes…again).

Dropping the barriers and cutting the pretence can be, surprisingly, a real eye opener, for you may just find, hidden beneath all of those carefully laid layers of trying to be the person you think you should be, resides the person who you really are…

And the biggest surprise may come when you actually recognise an old childhood friend, the one who used to look back at you from the mirror each day. It may just be the child-who-you-once-were, from many years ago, when your heart reigned supreme and honesty was your middle name.

The packaging may have aged a tad, but take the time to peel back the layers of time, and take a peek inside. See for yourself if the leopard’s spots are, in fact, familiar to you.

“Just be yourself; everyone else is taken” ~ Oscar Wilde.

advice · challenges · Changes · freedom · gratitude · happiness · inspiration · vision

Sense and Sensibility ~ Part 1

Joanne4 Comments

After my husband and I first met, it didn’t take us too long to realise one striking difference between the way we each looked at life ~ which was…

His head ruled his heart,

while,

My heart ruled my head.

Over time, and convinced of the (false) belief that I would please those close to me, and most of all my husband, I made the effort to kiss my airy-fairy ways goodbye, lock away my gut-instincts, hunches and intuition and throw away the key.

“Reason” became my middle name. Everything simply had to be well thought through, the pro’s and con’s weighed up and carefully balanced, in fact, every action I took must have a reason for it, before being given the honour of materialising.

My newly found practicality, along with my down to earth attitude and conservative manner would bring beams of pride to all of those people who I held in high regard. Yes, it would…

Surely it would…It would, wouldn’t it?

Well, of course it did!

With my newly developed maturity and common sense, a certain standard was expected of me. And I aimed to please.

But every now and then, rarely actually, but just occasionally, I would make contact with kindred spirit, a dreamer of the highest standard, a gut-reactor who thought nothing of throwing caution to the wind. I would scramble around to find that discarded key, unlock my soul, and off I would go, reverting back to my flippant ways of times gone by.

It was during these so-called “moments of madness” that I would feel free and alive again, finding the strength again to move mountains and swim across the oceans. And all because my intuition told me so.

After much tut-tutting from those-who-knew-what-was-best-for-me, (and plenty of pouting on my part), I would make my return to the Land of Common Sense, unlocking the gates of wisdom with my reliable Key of Reason.

Did I manage to retain the stamp of approval, kindly bestowed on me by those who I held in high regard? Yes, I did. Everyone approved.

Everyone…except for me.

For many years I continued with this masquerade, pleasing the multitudes, whilst never pleasing myself. Saying yes, when I secretly held back the urge to say no.

Who knew I was living a lie, a life ruled by other people’s standards? No one. ‘Coz I always found a way to enjoy life, look on the positive side of every situation, skilfully navigating my way around the obstacles.

I didn’t just fool the people in my life; I was also fooling myself, by being something that I wasn’t.

Then something changed. That “something” changed absolutely everything. Hot on the tail of being “Ms Fix-It”, “The Whipping Post” and “Communal Door Mat”, I walked away, never to return. I turned my back on it all.

I came home, but not just home to my house, I came home to me.

My instincts had been screaming out to me, telling me that the place I went to every morning to work, where we (my husband and I) each operated our separate businesses from, was not the place where I should be spending my days.

While I had my own business and my husband an entirely different business, which we had worked at from the same premises for a number of years, the two businesses constantly overlapped. He made decisions and choices for my business and I always managed to get dragged, (screaming and kicking, I will add!) into his.

Packing up my bare essentials and moving my business home was a blessing to me. Throwing caution to the wind worked well for me. No amount of coercing changed my mind. With my heart back where it belonged, in its rightful place as The Guide to My Life, I have come of age.

Did I upset anyone by taking such a strong stance for my life? You betcha I did!

Was I ever swayed back into pleasing everyone but me? Never.

Did I care? Honestly ~ No.

Over the last three years my life has evolved into what I want it to be. New lessons have appeared in the most unexpected of places.

And all of these unexpected places have been cleverly disguised as The Simple Things in Life.

(Photo credit ~ alwayschallengeunhappiness.blogspot.com)

challenges · inspiration · vision

Visualising a New Challenge

Joanne2 Comments

“Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others”. ~ Jonathan Swift

The theme for the month of September on NaBloPoMo is “Vision”. Although I have taken the challenge before, and succeeded, in writing and posting a new blog post every day for a month, I have not achieved this task during a whole calendar month.

Today I read some of the posts from NaBloPoMo members who had completed the challenge of a new blog post each day for the month of August. It was interesting to note the reactions, ranging from “thank goodness that’s over” right through to the other end of the spectrum, “I achieved the goal, now I’m not sure if I will continue writing each day”.

The latter is closer to my reaction when I had completed the task during June/July. I had developed the habit of daily writing, and it felt quite odd to realise that there was no pressure to continue at this pace.

More recently, after not writing for about a week, (due to work commitments in my “off-line world” along with developing a cold and feeling a tad out of sorts), I felt like a fish out of water ~ I missed writing!

Now I feel inclined to take on the challenge yet again, to write a new post each day, for the month of September.

At first glance, “Vision” appears to be a rather interesting topic to write about. My mind has already developed many ideas, although I can’t promise to come up with a whole thirty posts relating to the topic! We’ll see…

All I can promise at this early stage is that I have the vision to complete the thirty day challenge, with discipline, consistency and confidence again being my key focus words, just as when I began the challenge for the first time in June.

In June, when writing about “Challenging Myself” with this task, I had intended getting into the “web stream” up to my ankles, which I ultimately achieved. The time has now come to plunge in up to my knees.

Okay, maybe plunge is too strong a word…perhaps “taking a larger step into the stream” is a better description.

Regardless of the terminology, I’m up to the challenge, one step at a time. And isn’t that what life’s all about? Moving ahead…one step at a time. How do you climb a mountain…one step at a time. How do you plant a forest? One tree at a time…

Do you have a daunting challenge ahead in your own life? Remember the routine ~”one step at a time”, take small steps towards your ultimate goal, consistently each day.

Before long, you will have climbed that mountain.

(photo credit http://www.tripadvisor.com/)