My youngest son turns eighteen today, and even though he knows that I blog, calling the friends I have made here my “Fairy Friends”, I doubt that he would ever think to read what I have said. Today though, I need to mark the day my youngest child becomes a man. Really? Is it actually today that he reaches maturity? No, I think not. A date on a calendar could never in a million years have prepared my boy for his initiation into manhood, when his fiancé gave birth to their first child, Samuel, a tiny little bundle who was born sleeping.
The words in my heart need to be constructed here today, and sent out into The Universe, along with a smattering of photographic memories of my son, and you, my “Fairy Friends”, my wonderful small group of people who are so very dear to me, even though we have never met, can share in the day too. The day my son becomes “legal” ~ can buy lottery tickets, and cigarettes and alcohol, play poker machines, vote, borrow money, get a tattoo….these things are taboo to an under eighteen year old, kept away from them for their own protection, perhaps? To protect them from what? Nothing can protect us from living a life, from feeling love and heartbreak. Age cannot dictate a personality, nor enable kindness, compassion, or empathy, all of which Adam has been blessed with, so today, I wish to honour my son for the human being he is.
Just because I love him.
When I saw your face this morning it felt no different than any other morning, or any other birthday for that matter, when I have greeted you and wished you happiness for your special day. Legally, from now on, you no longer need your father and I, but knowing you as I do, I know that you already understand that we will always be here for you anyway.
You’ll always be my baby, in more ways than one, you are my child, and my last born baby, and my heart will continue to travel along with you throughout your entire life, no matter where you are, just as it has done for the past eighteen years.
Recently, I have been complimented, more than once, on raising such a wonderful son, a son I can be proud of, and although I have done my best to instill in you a decent set of moral values, have taught you right from wrong, and encouraged you to seek anything which your heart desires, I cannot accept full responsibility for the person you have become. Every person is born with their own unique personality, and Adam, I really scored it lucky on the day you were born.
My beautiful baby boy with the huge blue eyes, you were so contented, barely ever cried, adored your family, loved music and called all of your favourite things “Narna”. And oh, the looks I would be given when out shopping, as I pushed along a stroller containing a one year old who could whistle! You were always on for a chat too, joining in with your baby babble-talk, laughing on cue during conversations, and always waving the longest goodbyes.
Your school teachers thought you quite remarkable too, when you arrived at school being able to tie your own shoe laces, and you could even count to one-thousand. I remember with great fondness the friends you made when young, some at school, some through sporting activities, many of whom you have remained friends with to this day.
My little football player, the black-belt karate kid, cricket playing wizard and piano player extraordinaire, how I have smiled throughout the past eighteen years, admiring your talents.
And then there’s the compassionate Adam, the young boy who always stood by and helped the under-dog, those with disabilities, and kids who were bullied at school. No one dared mess with you, did they my boy? You never shied away from a fight, not when it was something you believed in.
At high school, you discovered girls, and oh my goodness, what a long string of “girl friends” there were too! I gave up trying to show interest after a while, there were too many to remember, and I always knew that when someone special came along, you would let me know.
And you did. What was it that you saw in Mary that made her stand out from the rest? I believe that you and Mary are kindred spirits. With Mary, you really did recognise your “other half”, didn’t you, the person you knew that you were destined to stay with forever.
Last year, as you and Mary whispered together nearby, I would occasionally pick up words dropped along the way, hear your plans for when you were married, when you had children, when you would always be together, so earlier this year, when you knew about the baby and told me that the three of you were to all have the same sir name, I knew this to be your dream.
Dreams do come true, my boy, perhaps not always at the time you expect them to, but when you and Mary are married in less than two weeks time, little Samuel will be watching over his mummy and daddy as the three of you become as one. Your beautiful Mary is a huge part of your dreams, Adam, and Samuel will never be forgotten. His little brothers and sisters will be here before you know it, so don’t fret. You know your heart and you know Mary’s heart, separate to yours physically, yet one heart through love.
Just so’s you know, the video of a nine or ten year old Adam, which we had promised to show at either your eighteenth or twenty-first birthday, is being safely kept for your twenty-first birthday bash. With a wedding coming up in less than two weeks, we think we will save that one for now. What a laugh your children will get when they see their daddy dancing a strip-tease when he was just a little boy!
Your love, your gentleness, your strength, sense of humour and compassion, they will always see you through. I am so proud of you, did I already tell you that a thousand times over? I think I did, but just in case you missed it, always remember Adam, I am, and always will be, your biggest fan, devoted to you, here to support you throughout the hard times in life and to treasure the happiness that finds you also.
Happy Birthday Adam ~ I love you, always. ~~ Mum. x
After the intense emotion of the day yesterday, a glass of white wine after dinner sent me into a deep sleep last night. I had a dream, I was at the chapel of the crematorium, the service was for my grandson, tears, sobbing, my parents graves in the surrounding gardens, sadness weighed heavy on me….
Immediately upon awakening, my thought was “thank goodness that was just a dream”, then the stark realisation that I had been reliving the events of the day.
Adam and Mary seemed lighter in spirit today. My daughter Emma, Mary and I went out shopping for a while and bought a few decorations for the wedding….
Two weeks today! On this day, Saturday, two weeks from now, it is Adam and Mary’s wedding day! We have a celebration to look forward to, planning will replace our thoughts of sadness.
While the girls shopped today, the boys worked in the garden. At the back of our house, the scene of the soon-to-be wedding venue, the pavers are being relayed, after an old retaining wall had been replaced. It’s a huge job, but once finished, we will have the perfect setting for the hired marquee, which will be constructed a few days before the wedding.
Our little Samuel will always be with us. His little spirit accompanies us all as we prepare for his mummy and daddy’s big day, and I know he will be watching over us all with the angels, smiling down from the heavens above, sprinkling magical golden blessings upon his earth family.
Adam and Mary have been through so much, and now it is time to move on, time to plan, time for laughter and joy. A time when the only tears shed will be tears of happiness.
“There is no footprint too small that cannot leave an imprint in this world.” ~ Author unknown
“What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose. For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” ~ Helen Keller
“An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth, and whispered as she closed the book, ‘too beautiful for Earth.'”
“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” ~ Author Unknown
“A Life may last for just a moment….
but memory can make that moment last forever…”
“How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.” ~ Dorothy Ferguson
“Think of Me
When you’re feeling sad or a little blue,
Look around and you’ll see I’m here with you
I’m the bird who soars so high above
I’m the one who filled your heart with love.”
~ Author Unknown
Tonight I am wishing tomorrow away. It’s a day that I’m expecting to be difficult. One I never could have imagined would ever happen.
Tomorrow is the funeral of my stillborn grandson, Samuel.
Samuel’s other grandmother has arranged the day, and I know that my son needs me to be with him on the day. He needs the support of his family, to know we are there for him to lean on while his heart is breaking. To comfort him as he bids his son a final goodbye.
Life will go on, just as it should. The trees will continue to sway in the breeze and the birds will sing, assuring me that the world has not stopped spinning, yet for one small part of tomorrow, time will stand still for me. The clocks will stop ticking. I will be with my son. My heart will break for my boy.
And the day after tomorrow we will move on again. Life will begin again. The ticking of the clocks will resume. My son’s heart will mend, but there will always be a scar, a scar which he will wear with pride.
Baby Samuel will never be forgotten.
“Samuel Christopher ~ Always on my mind, Forever in my heart”. ❤